This is a clothes hamper. Dirty clothes go in here. Fishing tackle does not go into the clothes hamper. K?
It’s never too early to begin preparing our sons for marriage. Trust me, the sooner we begin, the more they will know about the opposite sex when the time comes for them to choose a mate and marry. This will also ensure that once he has said ‘I do’ and becomes the property of your daughter-in-law, she won’t try to send him back.
Teaching Men To Find Things:
This is a very important part of the male education and is the one that is apparently overlooked by all mothers. Now I know that men do not have ovaries, which according to a friend of mine, are natural homing devises that all women posses which make us so good at finding things. However, this handicap can be overcome with a little training.
Take finding matching socks for example. This can be done through the process of scavenger hunts. Hide your son’s food, then in each sock put a clue that will help lead him to where the food is kept. For example, put the clue to where the bread is kept inside his brown sock. Then put a clue to where the sandwich meat is kept in the other brown sock. Put a clue to the location of the chips in his blue sock and a clue to the soft drinks in its mate. See where I’m going with this? This will enable him to always find matching socks. Either that, or he will grow up thinking potato chips on bread is a sandwich (which might be to the wife’s advantage since most girls these days don’t know how to cook anyway) Or he might grow up never knowing what a soft drink tastes like.
Indoor Heating And Cooling:
Most men don’t have a clue how a thermostat works. They don’t understand the concept of warm and cool, they only know hot and cold…and they have that backwards. They think the temperature inside the house should be below freezing in the summer and hot enough to melt the paint off the walls in the winter. In the summertime they wear a sweat shirt and jeans indoors with the air conditioning set at 48 degrees and in winter they prance around the house barefoot in their boxers, complaining about the cold. So they set the thermostat to around 98 degrees. Therefore, in order to train them correctly, it is a good idea to never let them know what a thermostat is, nor what it does. Cover the thermostat with a dishcloth and chances are he wouldn’t touch it for love nor money. You can also raise him to believe that the temperature is controlled by the TV remote.
How To Ask For Directions:
How many times have you witnessed a male asking for directions? I never have either. Most men would rather drive around for three days looking for the right exit and end up somewhere in a foreign country than to stop and ask directions. And beware of the five little words that can ruin a good road trip: “I know a shorter route”. This phrase has led to people being lost and never heard from again. They’re probably still going in circles someplace south of the border… So, mothers, teach your sons to ask for directions, even if it means moving once a month so he will have to ask someone where his bedroom is located.
Tell Her Where You’re Going.
I’ve often heard it said that if a woman always knows exactly where her husband is, she must be a widow. Have you ever been talking with your husband who you assume is still in the other room, and the phone rings and it’s him calling you from the next county? This can be frustrating to the wife, especially if she yells for him to put out a grease fire or remove the lid from a jar of pickles. If your male child happens to leave the house without telling you where he is going, make him provide a copy of his birth certificate, a passport, fingerprints and a social security card before you allow him to come back into the house. Even if he is gone only for five minutes.
The Word “Mmm-hmm” Isn’t Always The Right Answer:
Sometimes the affirmative mmm-hmm is the worst answer a man can give. Especially if his wife just asked him if he thinks the roast she made is dry and chewy or if he thinks her new hair style makes her look like a squirrel. Men need to pay attention to what is being said to them regardless of how unimportant or annoying they think it is. Train your sons to listen. Do this by asking trick questions like: “You would rather have steamed broccoli than pizza, wouldn’t you?” Or maybe this one: “It was okay to tell Jane about you and Sally, wasn’t it?”
I hope these tips will help us raise better husbands for our daughters-in-law in the future. Now for the mothers of girls who will one day grow up to become wives of these well trained husbands here is what they need to be taught: Always show up on time, look sexy, and bring food.
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Now, you should go to humor-blogs and vote for this post.
Tags: asking directions, finding things, husbands, wives
Welcome to the land of Spamalot and the writers of Queen Author’s Roundtable.
Now don’t get me wrong. I love for people to comment on my blog. I look forward to reading the comments with as much enthusiasm as a dog waiting for a milk bone.
However, much unlike said dog, I’m not all that thrilled when instead of the milk bone, I am given spam. Loads of spam.
Enough spam to feed a family of twelve. I mean if this was the kind of spam you could eat, which it isn’t.
And what’s worse, the spammers don’t even visit the blog to comment. The comments are posted remotely via a spambot, which is of course nothing like R2-D2.
This is a piece of software that runs on the desktop and automatically posts links and links of pure drivel and nonsense to millions of blogs across the interweave, and of course you all knew that already.
Stupid software.
However, being a person who believes in good blog etiquette I will use this post to reply to a few of the spambot’s comments on my blog–sorry I couldn’t reply to all because it would take me a couple of millenniums to do this manually.
SPAMBOT: querulously unviolent bathyanesthesia ponderative timekeepership ulysses amphiboliferous uncoopered.
MY REPLY: Yeah, I know what you mean there. Not only that, but kindered fanatical during hinged answer fainting. ha ha. Thanks for commenting.
SPAMBOT: reproductiveness peropoda meadowink afterhelp gargantuan calinago herniotomy duhat
MY REPLY: Oh, I hate those herniotomies. They hurt like a small dog. A meadowink to you too. Thanks for stopping by.
SPAMBOT: semibase cosmopolis expend stinginess planate obstinately uncleansed sphaerosiderite cakemaking corinth kusum fourth pistilliferous phigalian coupage supersulphurize.
MY REPLY: Supersulpherize eh? Can you do that at McDonalds?? Thanks and come again.
SPAMBOT: tuberculiform puerpery sclerogenous sauriosis heroin grittiness unextendible legislature.
MY REPLY: Well, that’s congress for ya. They specialize in unextendible legislature. Also mugginess direct yarn platypus teeth. ROFL. BTW I didn’t know heroin was gritty. Thanks for the heads up on that. Now for the love of God, Stop It!
So there you have it. I have fulfilled my blogic duty to my commentators. Of course these comments were linked to websites all over the countryside creating a virtual spiderweb of links to everything from Humvee Hamlet to Viagra Falls.
Sorry I couldn’t include them. My blogluv only extends so far.
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I broke my frickin’ blog so I had to do a reinstall, and now I have to start all over. Just Dang!
Maybe the RSS feed will work now…if I ever get the blog going again! Wish me luck everybody.
Tags: just dang!, more work, new blog
I am trying to get the blog up and running again after a huge catastrophe. The president is calling this as a National Disaster and relief is on the way.
Tags: construction, disaster, upgraded blog
